Andy Borowitz
Andy Borowitz
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Republicans Defend Trump’s Decision to Give Putin Office Space at White House

Republicans Defend Trump’s Decision to Give Putin Office Space at White House

WASHINGTON ()—In a sign that control over the Republican Party is now complete, congressional Republicans on Thursday defended his decision to give the Russian President office space at the White House.A newly emboldened Trump told reporters that he had furnished Putin with a corner-office suite and secretarial staff to use whenever the Russian President is in town. “He says he plans to be here more and more,” Trump said.Putin, who moved file boxes into his new office on Thursday afternoon, said he looks forward to many productive hours at the White House with few, if any, interruptions.“At...

July 29, 2019
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Trump Asks Supreme Court to Rule That Wisconsin Is Not a State

Trump Asks Supreme Court to Rule That Wisconsin Is Not a State

WASHINGTON ()—Hinting darkly that “there’s something going on,” Donald J. Trump has asked the United States Supreme Court to rule that Wisconsin is not a state.“I’ve been hearing strange things coming out of Wisconsin, which is a rigged hoax claiming to be a state,” Trump told reporters. “I think it’s disgraceful.”When asked by a reporter to explain Wisconsin’s admission to the Union, in 1848, Trump said, “Show me one person who saw that happen. You can’t, because they’re all dead. That’s very convenient and very cute.”Trump also said that Wisconsin had no right to call itself “the Badger...

November 4, 2020
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Michigan Governor Arrogantly Forcing Residents to Remain Alive

Michigan Governor Arrogantly Forcing Residents to Remain Alive

LANSING ()—Gretchen Whitmer, the governor of Michigan, is “arrogantly forcing the residents of her state to remain alive,” Attorney General William Barr charged on Friday.In a blistering takedown of the Democratic governor, Barr said that Whitmer was “depriving Michiganders of their constitutionally enshrined right to die before their time.”Hinting that the Justice Department could soon file a lawsuit against Whitmer, Barr alleged that her “unhinged obsession with keeping her state’s residents breathing” represented “government overreach at its worst.”Barr also suggested that Whitmer’s...

May 1, 2020
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Susan Collins to Self-Quarantine to Avoid Possible Contact with Decisions

Susan Collins to Self-Quarantine to Avoid Possible Contact with Decisions

WASHINGTON, D.C. ()—One week after the United States Senate returned to session, Senator Susan Collins, of Maine, said that she would self-quarantine to avoid possible contact with decisions.Collins said that she had hoped to safely distance herself from any decisions while at the Senate but feared that the risk of accidental exposure to a decision was too great.“I was troubled and concerned by how many decisions there were,” she said. “It did not feel safe to me.”Collins said that she would self-quarantine until she is confident that the danger of being in the vicinity of a decision had...

May 11, 2020
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