Name: Column: A Trump concession speech: ‘I hereby concede that I beat Sleepy Joe Biden’
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Column: A Trump concession speech: ‘I hereby concede that I beat Sleepy Joe Biden’

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AdvertisementBy Chicago TribuneNov 07, 2020 at 12:17 pmAs a devoted supporter of President (for life) Donald Trump, I refuse to even begin to acknowledge he may have lost the presidential election to Sleepy Joe Biden.Did every major news organization, including Fox News, call the election for Biden on Saturday? Yes. But moments before they did that, President Trump tweeted: “I WON THIS ELECTION, BY A LOT!” So clearly the outcome is up in the air. A president doesn’t just send an all-caps tweet willy nilly.AdvertisementBecause I love our president so much, and because I have spent so much time adoringly observing his glorious and most-amazing-ever presidency, I want to help him prepare for any possible outcome.So I have prepared a concession speech for my great dear friend President Trump, and formed a fundraising organization called the Trump Campaign Coalition to Stop the Vote or Possibly Start the Vote or Maybe Reverse the Vote Depending on Which State We’re Talking About. TCCSVPSVMRVDWSWTA, for short. (Please send money immediately. We guarantee every dollar will go toward something patriotic and not directly into the Trump family’s bank account.)AdvertisementAs for the concession speech, I’m sure President Trump won’t have to use it, because there is no circumstance under which he could ever possibly lose anything or admit defeat. But with the FAKE NEWS media and liberals who believe in “counting” and “addition” and the turncoat state-level Republicans assuring Americans there is “no voter fraud” and “the sanctity of our elections will be respected,” better to be safe than sorry. (Not that President Trump would ever be sorry for anything. I would never suggest that.)So here is a speech the president can use if necessary, though I’m sure it will never be necessary:Hello losers, dopes, haters and vicious animals.I am here to celebrate my massive, unprecedented — really it is quite unprecedented, many are saying that — reelection. It is really something. So beautiful. I have a map here to show you my many wins in the Electoral College, which is a thing you never heard much about until I became president. Electoral College they call it. Not actually a college, but a beautiful, beautiful thing.As you can see from this map, it’s all red. I won everywhere, I think it’s 750 Electoral College votes to zero for Sleepy Joe. A big fat zero. I won the most of any president in history.So with that, I hereby concede that Lyin' Joe Biden and Kamala (make sure to badly mispronounce her name here, Mr. President) Harris have lost, bigly, to me, your president for life.Now, of course, the horrible people in the fake news and the Radical Left Dems and a number of Republicans who will soon be getting visits from some of my large Russian friends are trying to steal this amazing victory from you, the real Americans who love your favorite president.Who doesn’t love me? I never understand that, I’m just … I mean, really.AdvertisementI’ve done the best job of any president ever, even better than Honest Abe. Many people have said that. I had this big general come up to me — big, tough general — and he had tears in his eyes and he said, “President Trump, sir, I want to thank you because you’ve made everything so perfect. And you’ve given us so many bombs. So perfect.”It’s love, really. It’s just so much love. And that’s what MAGA is all about, right? Love.And hate, I suppose. Because we have to hate the demonic socialist anarchist Marxist communists who have taken our vote, our precious, precious vote, and tried to tarnish it through counting. That’s what they’ve done, believe me. They have ruined our vote with counting. I’m calling it “the c-word.” Nobody has ever used that term, I just came up with it. I think you’ll be hearing it a lot.Counting. These un-American monsters just want to count. It’s all you hear about from the fake media: Count, count, count, COUNT, COUNT. Count, count, count.And you know what they do? They say that if you count all the votes and there are more votes for Biden than there are for Trump, then Biden wins the state. Can you believe that? It’s a fraud. It’s cheating. It’s math, and you know who else uses math? Globalists. Evil, evil people who want to destroy us and all of the 58 states that make up our great nation.So I ask you today, the forgotten men and women of America, to stand by me as I begin my second term. We have so much to look forward to. So much.AdvertisementOur beautiful border wall is nearly complete. I’m told it will be done in two weeks. And you can bet Mexico is going to pay for every inch of it!And in two weeks I will be unveiling the most amazing health care plan anyone has ever seen. People are already saying they can’t believe it. They call it “perfect.” It’s a perfect health care plan and you’ll soon be seeing it.I will silence my critics by releasing all of my tax returns. As soon as they are no longer under audit, which I’m told will be very soon. Probably a couple of weeks. You’ll see.I will soon be moving out of the White House because, frankly, it’s not that nice. I’ve never cared for it, so I’m choosing to leave, probably around Jan. 20. I will do my job as your president from one of my beautiful properties, possibly overseas.And with your help, we will continue to Make America Great Again, as long as you keep sending me money and believing everything I say.God bless those who love me, and no one else.Advertisement— Donald J. Trump, president foreverrhuppke@chicagotribune.com Advertisement

AdvertisementBy Chicago TribuneNov 07, 2020 at 12:17 pmAs a devoted supporter of President (for life) Donald Trump, I refuse to even begin to acknowledge he may have lost the presidential election to Sleepy Joe Biden.Did every major news organization, including Fox News, call the election for Biden on Saturday? Yes. But moments before they did that, President Trump tweeted: “I WON THIS ELECTION, BY A LOT!” So clearly the outcome is up in the air. A president doesn’t just send an all-caps tweet willy nilly.AdvertisementBecause I love our president so much, and because I have spent so much...

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Rex Huppke writes a humor(ish) column. He is considered (by himself) to be America’s most-beloved columnist, though there is no empirical evidence of that. Before becoming a columnist he spent a decade reporting on social justice issues, from poverty and gang violence to the gay civil rights movement. He previously worked for The Associated Press.

https://www.chicagotribune.com/chinews-ask-rex-huppke-i-just-work-20130507-staff.html#nt=byline

Rex Huppke

The Chicago Tribune is a daily newspaper based in Chicago, Illinois, United States, owned by Tribune Publishing. Founded in 1847, and formerly self-styled as the "World's Greatest Newspaper" (a slogan for which WGN radio and television are named), it remains the most-read daily newspaper of the Chicago metropolitan area and the Great Lakes region. It had the 6th highest circulation for American newspapers in 2017.

Column: A Trump concession speech: ‘I hereby concede that I beat Sleepy Joe Biden’

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