Name: George Washington addresses Florida regarding July 4, 2020
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George Washington addresses Florida regarding July 4, 2020

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ColumnistGeorge Washington addresses Florida regarding July 4, 2020Stephanie Hayes | America's first president offers the Sunshine State wisdom during these hard times.Floridian sirs,I write to provide encouragement. To quote T. Paine, these are the times that try men’s souls. Yet it is an honor to address this state, which was not one of the 13 original colonies but rather a place my advisers traveled to drink ale in the mangroves when they told their wives they were in France. I also authorized several invasions of Florida. Memories are fond, but I would like to know more about your home today. I find the Disney Dole Whip of particular interest.I have heard that upon the Birthday Observed of our nation, you are sorrow-filled, despondent o’er celebrations cancelled due to the Great Corona Virus. Indeed, the annual display in Tampa sounds grand, particularly when paired with the righteous battle anthem of Lee Greenwood. What, pray, is Jackson’s Bistro?Florida, I understand. I love fireworks. I mean, love them. On the eve of my inauguration, the display was most pleasing. Our fireworks were somewhat different than yours. They involved great bodily risk. Wait, I am receiving a memorandum. Apparently, they are the same. Still, I request more information about these “” 2-inch rounds from Duck Commander.It must not be too dire in Florida, for I have heard that to your state for the foreseeable future. It seems you have the plague under control enough to host the president and other dignitaries. Congratulations. What has been your technique to steadily reduce the ill? Leeches? More ale?Many will stay in quarters this year to aid the effort, indicative of the American spirit. One way to celebrate from your bedside is to watch . I come off well in that one, very tall, very assertive. Jefferson especially likes his portrayal, though he takes issue with several points in Cabinet Battle #2.Speaking of Jefferson… hold on, he is poking me with a quill. OK, speaking of Jefferson, please remember that many of us who founded this country — and I cannot escape this — reside on a scale of Incredibly Racist, Somewhat Racist, Kind of Racist and John Adams. As well, “all men are created equal” depends on your definition of “all” and “men” and “are” and “created” and “equal.” Therein, another way to celebrate in the Year of Our Lord 2020 is to be less racist. Be good to your fellow man, WO-man and all people (see, one can always learn). Fight for equity, denounce wrongs and talk to your children, not about Old Navy matching flag waistcoats, but of ways to make a better tomorrow.But I did not come here to repent. I came to help you explode fireworks. Did I mention I love fireworks?Martha explains that unless used to scare birds from crops, as oft was the case at Mount Vernon. But in 2020, your for their God-ordained purpose of blasting our top lights.Subscribe to our free Stephinitely newsletterColumnist Stephanie Hayes will share thoughts, feelings and funny business with you every Monday.Loading...Want more of our free, weekly newsletters&nbsp;in&nbsp;your&nbsp;inbox? Let’s&nbsp;get&nbsp;started.So, Florida, use this gift wisely in a perilous year. Do not be a paper skull. Take nine paces back when alighting the oil cords. You are your own enemy line, and as such, survival rests in your brave hands with all 10 fingers.Yours in sunshine,G. WashingtonP.S. Please enclose Dole Whip recipe in return correspondence.This site no longer supports your current browser. Please use a modern and up-to-date browser version for the best experience. — — —

ColumnistGeorge Washington addresses Florida regarding July 4, 2020Stephanie Hayes | America's first president offers the Sunshine State wisdom during these hard times.Floridian sirs,I write to provide encouragement. To quote T. Paine, these are the times that try men’s souls. Yet it is an honor to address this state, which was not one of the 13 original colonies but rather a place my advisers traveled to drink ale in the mangroves when they told their wives they were in France. I also authorized several invasions of Florida. Memories are fond, but I would like to know more about your home...

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Stephanie Hayes

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George Washington addresses Florida regarding July 4, 2020

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