Name: On Losing My Voice
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On Losing My Voice

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January isn’t a fun month for a lot of people. This January for me has been, needless to say, less than ideal.&nbsp;
I returned to work right after New Year’s and promptly within the first few days of the new year, I got an upper respiratory infection. The chills, aches, cough and congestion were one thing but I didn’t expect to start feeling worse as I was beginning to feel better.&nbsp;
The second week into my illness I lost my voice. My voice was already a bit hoarse and not entirely on pitch due to the congestion but by Tuesday of the second week of my chest cold, my voice was practically entirely gone. Little more than hoarse noises and a deeply off-pitch and dissonant warble left my throat when I tried to speak.&nbsp;
This first day or two of losing my voice was annoying but as the week pressed on, I became practically despondent. My job requires me to be able to speak clearly and effectively. I’m a content creator and podcaster; I need my voice.&nbsp;
I had hit my limit when I had to conduct a phone interview for my job and the person I was interviewing was shocked and surprised by my hoarse voice. I was so embarrassed at how I sounded. I even took a day off of work to actually rest and recover, something I have struggled with doing since I was a child raised by hypercompetent black women.
That weekend I actually had to cancel recordings for both of my podcasts and I spent the weekend crying and panicking.&nbsp;
I worried that my voice would never come back, that I would never sound like me. I was afraid that the two weeks, approaching three, of illness had radically changed my voice and I’d never be the version of me that I knew best again.&nbsp;
I didn’t realize just how much I relied on my voice and how much of my self-worth and self-image was tied to my voice. Now, for those that haven’t heard me, my voice is rather deep for someone assigned female at birth. And that deeper timbre to my voice was incredibly gender affirming for me. It made it easy to voice and pass as male for my more masculine days but was also considered rich and beautiful as a woman. I wrapped up my self-worth and image into being a podcaster, someone with a nice voice that frequently received compliments.&nbsp;
Without my voice, I felt like someone that just wasn’t me.&nbsp;
I tried plenty of “remedies” with varying levels of success: Vocal Eze, Cloraseptic, various cough drops, hot tea, hot tea with honey, steamy showers…you name it, I tried it and nothing seemed to bring my voice back to its original form.&nbsp;
Finally in the third week of being sick and second fully without my voice, I saw another doctor who recommended a treatment that I had found in my research: a steroid pack.&nbsp;
I was so excited to get my prescription for the steroid and eagerly took the first pill at lunch. And even though I knew that medicine takes a while to actually work, I was disappointed that the medicine wasn’t a panacea and didn’t immediately bring my voice back to what it was.&nbsp;
However, after a few days, my voice did start to come back. Slowly.&nbsp;
It took 5 days before I sounded even close to my usual self. Fortunately, I was able to record both of my shows within the week of starting on steroids.&nbsp;
Losing my voice has made me confront something that I’ve known about myself for years: I am terrible at resting. And when I had no choice but to sit and sit quietly with myself I was so uncomfortable that it only deepened my emotional distress. Perhaps it’s all the bluster of the promise of a new year but I want to be kinder to myself moving forward. I want to be able to rest and truly thoughtfully rest. I don’t want to be busy for the sake of being busy or invent things to do and problems to solve.&nbsp;
I need to take care of myself and that means resting when I’m tired and giving my body and myself time to heal.&nbsp;
I’m still not 100% when it comes to my voice. I can still hear some congestion and a little bit of difference in my pitch and tone but I’m much closer to baseline than I was weeks ago. I notice it most in my singing (yes, I do sing in the car and in the shower) and when I answer the phone but I’m just glad to have one of my most defining features returning to me.&nbsp;

January isn’t a fun month for a lot of people. This January for me has been, needless to say, less than ideal.&nbsp;
I returned to work right after New Year’s and promptly within the first few days of the new year, I got an upper respiratory infection. The chills, aches, cough and congestion were one thing but I didn’t expect to start feeling worse as I was beginning to feel better.&nbsp;
The second week into my illness I lost my voice. My voice was already a bit hoarse and not entirely on pitch due to the congestion but by Tuesday of the second week of my chest cold, my voice was...

On Losing My Voice

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